Let me give you a bit of background. I’m writing this is a hospital mental health ward, the umpteenth time I’ve been in one. About half of the time I feel like myself, but the other half my highs come out as crippling anxiety where I can’t function or mania where I feel like I’ve taken bad drugs. This is followed by feeling flat and then spiralling down until I’m suicidal for a few weeks, then the cycle continues, again and again. I’ve been doing this for 10 years and it’s beyond exhausting. At this point, I feel like I have nothing left to fight with. I feel like I’ve tried everything, gotten all the help I possibly could and I’m sick of not feeling like myself. Every time an episode comes, I’m weaker. My reasons to live start to fail on me. This is brutally honest, it makes me tear up. I think the girls will be fine because they have the most wonderful father in the world. I think my pain living trumps my mothers pain of losing a child. I think I’m a child of God, how is this happening to me? But I had an absolute angel speak to me yesterday and tell me I had to have the faith of the crippled man who waited by the water to be healed for 36 years. He knew this water could heal him but he was so crippled he couldn’t get in, so for 36 years he waited while everyone else around him got healed. He had absolute faith and it paid off, Jesus came and healed him. He said “get up and walk” and so he trusted Jesus and he did, he walked. She told me I need to trust in God’s promise, and I told her what God spoke to me years ago – “I have your hand and I’m never letting go” (Psalm 37:23-24) and she jumped up and down. This song says “I will walk in your promise”, it says “every season, I will press on for God alone is on the throne” it means I have to keep fighting because this isn’t just my battle, it’s God’s. It says “He is able, he is faithful, higher than the mountains that I face” – even when all I can see is my bipolar and I’ve lost sight of God, he’s still got me by the hand and he’s bigger than this. I just have to wait by my pool of water for my 36 years and remember his promise every single day. So whenever I’m struggling big time, I listen to this song that I first heard sung by the beautiful Caitie, and it renews my strength and my faith.
By the way, my ‘pool of water’ is professional help. It is psychiatrists and medication and a case worker. If you’re struggling, please go see your GP and be brutally honest, and ask someone to pray for you. That’s all that’s gotten me through the last 10 years. Also shoutout to my mum and my second mum, Bec and Tom and my girls for supporting me, looking after me and being endlessly patient with me.
Also I’m starting a new medication today, about the only one I haven’t tried. It’s supposed to be the best for bipolar and I had to stop breastfeeding Vivienne to go on it. I also have to get regular blood tests which I’m difficult to get blood out of, so if you could pray that goes smoothly and pray that this medication works *miracles* I would be so grateful. Thank you ❤️